My Testimony

It's hard to believe I've known the Lord for over four years. From the moment I gave my life to Christ, my prayer has always been that I would not forget the pain I was feeling and the grace extended when He first became my Savior. What better way to keep them alive than to share my testimony, so here it is . . .

I came to know Christ through the deepest pain I have ever experienced.

At the time I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought was perfect. He was intelligent, good-looking, and successful. He did have one big flaw though. He cheated on me. Multiple times. With multiple women. Somehow I would find out about them, he would try to deny it, and I would "forgive" him, always harboring pain and anger. My insecurity was so pervasive that I began checking his email and voicemail, digging through his pockets, and anxiously awaiting a sign of the next unfaithful act.

Then, it got worse.

One weekend while we were visiting his parents, I discovered an extensive stash of porn on his computer. I can clearly remember the moment that I discovered it and confronted him. I was shattered. Somehow, despite all the pain I had felt throughout the relationship, this was a whole other level of betrayal. I was hurting so deeply I could barely breathe. Yet God was right there the whole time. His father is a pastor. His father saw my pain, and knew that God is near to the brokenhearted. That afternoon I heard the gospel for the first time. I didn't give my life to Christ that afternoon, but a seed was planted. I knew there was a hole in my life and decided to step out and began going to church. Over the next several weeks I attended church weekly and started going to a "Christianity 101" class on Sunday nights.

In the meantime, my boyfriend had moved to Boston to attend Harvard. (That's right, my boyfriend. Despite it all, we were still dating.) The only time I would hear from him was in the evenings for a couple of minutes, when he called to say he was going to bed. My insecurity hit an all time high.

Then it got worse.

Again, I checked his voicemail to find two messages. What I heard was finally enough to convince me to end the relationship. One message was from a girl that he was dating out there, and the other was from a friend of his indicating that my boyfriend had shared something personal of mine with him. Once again I felt a pain that was even more intense than I had ever felt. I fell into a deep depression. At the time I was in law school and would go to class (often crying throughout), and then come home and cry myself to sleep. Still, I was going to church and attending the class on Christianity. It was in that Sunday night class that I finally "got it."

Then it got better.

I had been worshiping my boyfriend. I looked to him to make me happy and fulfill my every need, but he would never be able to do that. Even if he was the perfect boyfriend, he was always going to fall short of what I needed because he is human and makes mistakes. Jesus, on the other hand, was worthy of filling that hole in my life. He will always be there for us, He will always be faithful and true, He will never disappoint us, He will never hurt us. I remember lying in bed sobbing and crying out to Christ. Telling Him that I couldn't do it without Him. That was September 12, 2005. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went to bed in shambles. I gave my life to Christ, and that next morning when I awoke, my life was completely different. My circumstances were exactly the same, but my outlook and my focus were different. Over the next several months, as I grew closer to Christ, I learned to truly forgive my ex-boyfriend, God healed me, and changed me.

I look back at all the pain I experienced and I would not trade it for anything. The life that I have now is so much better than I could have ever imagined. There were so many times that I wished the pain would go away and things would just work out with my ex-boyfriend. But now I recognize that God had an amazing plan that I couldn't see. Everyday I wake up on fire for Christ because He is real in my life. I often heard the phrase "Christ can set you free," but I never understood it until I lived it.

I pray as I live out this journey with Christ that I remember the lesson I learned over four years ago. Christ is my solid rock. Being a Christian is not about going to church or living a good life, but about making a choice to wholly give yourself to Him, then having a relationship with Him, loving Him, obeying Him, and living your life in obedience to Him.