The Runaway Bunny

We went to the neatest local bookstore this evening. While I was browsing the children's area (because that's the only reading I do these days), I started thinking about one of the books we have on our shelf at home. It's called The Runaway Bunny. I've only read this book to my little guy a couple of times, because I didn't really like it's message. It begins:

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, "I am running away."
"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny."

Then the story proceeds with the bunny thinking through all the places he would run away to, and his mother responding with how she would chase after him. Until it ends with:

"Shucks," said the bunny, "I might just as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny."

For 16 months (since my precious son was born), my thought on this book was that it planted the thought that when we're unhappy we can just run away. And although the bunny abandoned the thought at the end, I didn't like how he didn't actually have a change of heart, but rather conceded in defeat.

I still don't like how it ends, but as I stood there in the bookstore thinking about it, I realized it is actually a really neat picture of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. How many times have we tried to run away. How many times have we tried to be something we are not, to hide from what we really are. How many times have we thought there was something better out there. But every time, there was our Father, chasing after us. Giving us unconditional love. Ignoring our rejections and always opening the door for us to come back.

What a gift. As Christmas approaches, I pray we will all reflect on the true meaning of the holiday. Our Father loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for our sins, so we don't have to live apart from Him. I don't know where you are right now. I don't know if you are running, or hiding, or living in complacency. But know that our Father is chasing after you. His door is always open (Matthew 7:8). He longs for us to turn back to Him. Don't wait another moment. Live in His grace.

Moment-by-Moment Obedience

A few months ago my husband received a Facebook message from an old friend from middle school, someone he had not spoken to in over 20 years. This old friend told Brian how he remembered Brian praying with him after class one day, and that moment has never left him. I think about that message often. How amazing. Brian took a few minutes to walk in obedience to our Lord, and changed someone's life. It would have been so easy for Brian to have rushed off to his next class, or spent the few moments chatting mindlessly with his friends. But he didn't. He saw a need, and chose to meet it.

You would not believe how common this story is with my husband. I have been witness to dozens of people stopping him to tell him how he has impacted their life. Not just through leading worship, but through his prayers, the time he has spent with them, and his evident walk with Christ. Brian walks in moment-to-moment obedience.

Brian's life is a constant reminder to me of the importance of taking every opportunity to share Christ's love. Regardless of how small the act seems, I must remember that when I am walking in obedience to Him, I have no idea of the impact I may be having. All too often I find myself caught up in the day-to-day tasks of being a stay-at-home wife and mother. I shudder to think of all the opportunities I have missed. With friends, with the cashier at Braum's, with those I sit next to in church.

Lord, I pray that I am reminded daily of what is truly important in life. That I will live in moment-by-moment obedience, choosing to glorify you with all of my thoughts and actions. Lord, use me as Your vessel.

He Loves

Genesis is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Maybe it's because the first study I ever did after becoming a Christian was Beth Moore's Patriarchs. Maybe it's because it is so drama-filled that it makes today's reality shows seem boring. Whatever the reason, I love it and have read it many times over.

There is one story in particular that I think about often. This story touched my heart even before I was a mother, but my connection to it has immensely intensified since Caleb was born. Genesis 16 begins the story of Hagar and Ishmael. After living many years without being able to get pregnant, Sarah, Abraham's wife, convinced him to sleep with her slave Hagar in order to have children. Hagar did, in fact, become pregnant, and bore Abraham his first son Ishmael. Eventually the Lord blessed Sarah with a child, Isaac. Ultimately a rivalry ensued between the two boys, so Sarah had Abraham send Hagar and Ishmael away, with only a little food and one skin of water. Now, this is where it really grips me. Genesis 21:14-20 goes on to say:

When the water in the skin was gone, [Hagar] put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, "I cannot watch the boy die." And as she sat there, she began to sob.

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation."

Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

God was with the boy as he grew up.

Wow. What an amazing testimony. Oh how my heart breaks for Hagar. I can't even begin to imagine how she felt. The thought of seeing my child in need, dying, and not being able to do anything to help him, cripples me. My eyes are filled with tears right now. I pray I am never faced with that challenge.

There are so many lessons to learn from this passage, about God's character, faith, and obedience. But the lesson that rings loudest to me is to trust that God loves my child even more than I do. That doesn't mean that my children are not going to face hardships in life. But what it does mean is that when those hardships arise, the soverign Lord is going to be by their side. I can't think of anything more comforting as a mother. I know there are going to be times in my children's lives that I am not going to be able to protect them. That I am going to see them making decisions that I disagree with. That I will have to watch as their hearts are broken. In those times, I need to remember that they are God's children and He loves them even more than I do. He is with them; protecting them, guiding them, and comforting them, even when I cannot. What more could I want for my children?

I'm sure Hagar would have done anything to be able to make a well of water appear and take care of her sweet son. But she couldn't. The Lord was the only one who could save him. What a beautiful picture of the truth that exists today: only God can save us. We can do everything conceivable to save ourselves or our children, but at the end of the day, it is only when we truly realize that we cannot do it alone, that the Lord steps in to save us.

Lord, may I trust you always. In the best of times, in the most desperate of times. May I remember that you knit my children together in my womb and love them even more than I do. May I remember that even when I can't see the light through the darkness, you will hear our cry. May I remember that in all things You work for the good of those who love You.

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The Softest Whisper Changed Me

As I finished wiping the kitchen counter at 10:15 last night, realizing that I had been up since 5:00am and had a couple of hours of work left to do before I could go to bed, I began to feel sorry for myself. I was tired, my back ached, and I longed to slump into bed with a book and relax for a few minutes. But in that moment of self-pity, I was blessed (and challenged). With the softest whisper, the Lord asked me, "what is a wife of noble character?"

What is a wife of noble character?

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I was humbled. What an amazing woman. What an inspiration. What an example. I'm sure there were many moments when she was exhausted and wished she could take a break. But she didn't. She was noble. She walked in obedience, even when it was hard.

In that moment I was reminded that I too am walking in obedience. I have no doubt that by caring for my husband and child, I am fulfilling God's call on my life. Sure, some days are going to be difficult, and that's okay. He warns us that, when we are following His plan for our life, we will encounter hardship. But He also assures us that He will walk beside us during those difficult times.

So, with that gentle whisper, I choose to embrace the hardship, giving thanks that He has entrusted me with this life.

Lord, give me the strength to walk in obedience. Continue to remind me that this life is not about me, but about bringing glory to You. Transform me into a wife of noble character. May I honor You in everything that I do.

Dwight Bruss

It's been 12 days since my father-in-law passed away. In some ways I can't believe it's been that long, in other ways, it feels like it's been even longer. I didn't know my father-in-law very well. Brian and I have been married for three years. We spent the first year in Arizona, and for the last, Dwight has been ill. I can't express what a blessing it was to me to sit with his family and friends for the days leading up to his funeral and hear about the Dwight they all knew so well.

What an incredible man. A god-fearing, faithful, loving man. There were countless stories, from people he knew from every stage of his life, of how he made such a huge impact. One of my favorite stories is how he spent every Thanksgiving delivering meals to those in need. Instead of merely dropping off the meal, which I'm sure was a blessing in and of itself, he would take the time to talk with them and prayer for them. What a perfect picture of who he was. Always authentically caring for others. Always taking the time to find out what was going on in their lives. Always desiring to share Christ's love. What an example of who we all should be.

Although I did not know Dwight well, as I heard stories about him, I realized that I have seen a beautiful picture of who he is through Brian. One of the things I love most about Brian is his willingness and desire to befriend and love those society may call outcasts. Brian is one of the most accepting, welcoming people I know. He truly tries to love people as Christ loves them. After hearing the stories about Dwight, I know that Brian learned that from his father.

Although Dwight is now with Jesus, he is still making an impact on this world. The values and character he instilled in Brian is continuing to change the lives countless people. And I am confident that as our children grow, Brian will pass the same characteristics on to them. What a beautiful legacy. Let it live on forever.

Embracing the Hardship

Life is hard. It's filled with pain, heartache, disappointment, grief, and discontentment. Every time I find myself going through one of these difficult times, without fail, the question "why?" crosses my mind. Awhile back, my amazing husband blogged about pain (in fact, it was this blog that pushed me over the edge to madly-in-love with him). Read it if you haven't. I guarantee you will be blessed. Brian's blog speaks of the hidden blessings in the tough times, and how we should embrace the pain, knowing that God will use the hardship we endure for His purposes in the end. Still, despite knowing this, I still inevitably ask "why do I have to go through this?"

God has answered that question, yet again. Those of you who have read my testimony know that I went through a very dark period five years ago. At the time, I asked "why?" Not long after, Christ clearly answered that question when I came to know Him as my savior. But he continues to answer my "why?" Just this week I was blessed to meet with a woman going through a similar situation that I went through. Although the facts are different, the root of the issue is the same. She, too, is placing her security in things other than Christ. I was moved to tears as she asked me to walk along side her as she worked through these issues. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." What a blessing to use what I have learned through the hardships I have endured to show Christ's love and comfort to another. Knowing that the pain I suffered may help another grow closer to Christ makes it all worth it.

Lord, use me. Open my eyes to the people and situations around me that enable me to display your grace, love, mercy, and comfort. What an honor to be Your vessel.

Out of the Mouth of a Babe

"Knowing all the good that has come of it, I wouldn't change it for the world." How many of us can speak these words in the middle of a difficult and terrifying time? To be honest, I'm not sure that I would be able to. But, these words came out of the mouth of a 15 year old boy tonight as he spoke of all that he and his family have been going through since he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor several weeks ago. Amazing. He spoke of the impact his medical condition has had on his relationship with God, his family's relationship with God, and even that of those who merely hear his story. And it's true. I have been deeply impacted by his story. His faith, his perseverance, his compassion, have truly been an inspiration to me.

Several weeks ago he was brought on stage at church and asked specifically how we can pray for him. What was his answer? Please pray for my mom because she is really struggling with this. Wow. Even in the time of his greatest need, when he would be most justified to live selfishly, he was thinking of others. It reminded me of the story in Luke where Jesus cried out to his Father, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." After being abused and ridiculed mercilessly, when He was most justified to feel anger and resentment, Jesus was pleading on his abuser's behalf. What an immeasurable selfless act. I see that same character in this young man.

Every time I hear a bit of this young man's story, my eyes fill with tears. Though part of it is sadness, most of it is pride. What an amazing, godly man. What an example he is to everyone, both young and old, of what true faith is. I can only hope and pray that my own son will be as godly as he is.

I also hope and pray that I will be a godly role model to my children, just as this young man's mother has been to him. She has poured endlessly into her children's lives; teaching them godly principles and helping them develop the character we see exhibited in this young man today. I am inspired by her to be in such intimate relationship with Christ that my children can't help but see Him in all aspects of my life. And I pray that as I walk the path of parenthood and I am faced with difficult situations, that I will lean on Him and rest in the assurance of my Heavenly Father.

Thank you for your leadership Kilhoffer family!

I'm back...

I haven't blogged in months. Not because I haven't had anything to share, but because I'm a lawyer and a perfectionist. That means that it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to write each entry. In law school I learned how important every word you write is, and I can't seem to get that out of my mind. So I pour over every word, ensuring that it is the most efficient way to articulate what I'm trying to convey. Seriously. It's an illness. But, I'm turning a new leaf. It's time that I loosen up, and just start sharing what is on my heart, without worrying about whether it is perfect. So, I'm back. :) See, an entry written in less than a minute. Pretty good start to the new me!

Making the Family Tree: Part II

Here's what is awesome about Matthew including women in Jesus' family tree. The women he included were not perfect. I'm sure he could have chosen Proverbs 31 women to include, but he didn't. He chose women who had done something morally questionable. Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and tricked her father-in-law into sleeping with her. Rahab was the Jericho prostitute who hid the Hebrew spies during the invasion of Canaan. In her attempt to get Boaz to marry her, Ruth slipped into his bed while he was sleeping. And the wife of Uriah, Bathsheba, willingly gave herself to King David while her husband was still alive. Not exactly model women, right? But that wasn't the point. Being perfect is never the point. The point is that God can, and does, use sinners for His glory.

I love that God uses sinful, but repentant, people to do great things. Think about Paul. He is undoubtedly one of the most godly men to ever walk the earth. But who was he before he repented and gave his life to Christ? He was a zealous and violent persecutor of Christians. Yet God used him, just as He used Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, and Bathsheba. Paul wasn't perfect. He knew perfection is never the point. Paul was obedient.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Luke 5:31-32, where Jesus says, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." How true is that! Jesus came to seek and save the lost. It is our very emptiness that allows God to fill us with power; it is our very weakness that permits God to display strength; it is our memory of failure that creates understanding and compassion for others who, like us, need Christ's love and forgiveness.

I am inspired by Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, and Bathsheba, because I am not perfect either. I have a sinful past. But like them, God is going to use me for His glory. I wholeheartedly believe that God has let me have the experiences I have had, feel the pain I have felt, and receive the redemption I have received, so that I can share His love with those who find themselves where I once was. It should not be our goal to be perfect. Being perfect is never the point. It should be our goal to be obedient. When we are obedient is when God will use us, and we too can be part of an amazing legacy.

Making the Family Tree

Have you ever read Matthew 1? It's the genealogy of Jesus. Not exactly the most inspiring verses of the Bible (is that wrong to say?). That's why I was a disappointed to find Matthew 1 as my daily reading on the first day of my fast. I knew God was going to challenge me through this fast, but I didn't expect it to begin with genealogy. Yet this is what I found. . .

There amongst forty-two generations of fathers and sons, were five women: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Uriah's wife, and Mary. I couldn't help but wonder, what did these women do to make the family tree? I knew they must have done something significant to gain mention, but I was surprised to discover how different, yet inspiring, each of their stories was.

To be continued . . .

My Testimony

It's hard to believe I've known the Lord for over four years. From the moment I gave my life to Christ, my prayer has always been that I would not forget the pain I was feeling and the grace extended when He first became my Savior. What better way to keep them alive than to share my testimony, so here it is . . .

I came to know Christ through the deepest pain I have ever experienced.

At the time I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought was perfect. He was intelligent, good-looking, and successful. He did have one big flaw though. He cheated on me. Multiple times. With multiple women. Somehow I would find out about them, he would try to deny it, and I would "forgive" him, always harboring pain and anger. My insecurity was so pervasive that I began checking his email and voicemail, digging through his pockets, and anxiously awaiting a sign of the next unfaithful act.

Then, it got worse.

One weekend while we were visiting his parents, I discovered an extensive stash of porn on his computer. I can clearly remember the moment that I discovered it and confronted him. I was shattered. Somehow, despite all the pain I had felt throughout the relationship, this was a whole other level of betrayal. I was hurting so deeply I could barely breathe. Yet God was right there the whole time. His father is a pastor. His father saw my pain, and knew that God is near to the brokenhearted. That afternoon I heard the gospel for the first time. I didn't give my life to Christ that afternoon, but a seed was planted. I knew there was a hole in my life and decided to step out and began going to church. Over the next several weeks I attended church weekly and started going to a "Christianity 101" class on Sunday nights.

In the meantime, my boyfriend had moved to Boston to attend Harvard. (That's right, my boyfriend. Despite it all, we were still dating.) The only time I would hear from him was in the evenings for a couple of minutes, when he called to say he was going to bed. My insecurity hit an all time high.

Then it got worse.

Again, I checked his voicemail to find two messages. What I heard was finally enough to convince me to end the relationship. One message was from a girl that he was dating out there, and the other was from a friend of his indicating that my boyfriend had shared something personal of mine with him. Once again I felt a pain that was even more intense than I had ever felt. I fell into a deep depression. At the time I was in law school and would go to class (often crying throughout), and then come home and cry myself to sleep. Still, I was going to church and attending the class on Christianity. It was in that Sunday night class that I finally "got it."

Then it got better.

I had been worshiping my boyfriend. I looked to him to make me happy and fulfill my every need, but he would never be able to do that. Even if he was the perfect boyfriend, he was always going to fall short of what I needed because he is human and makes mistakes. Jesus, on the other hand, was worthy of filling that hole in my life. He will always be there for us, He will always be faithful and true, He will never disappoint us, He will never hurt us. I remember lying in bed sobbing and crying out to Christ. Telling Him that I couldn't do it without Him. That was September 12, 2005. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went to bed in shambles. I gave my life to Christ, and that next morning when I awoke, my life was completely different. My circumstances were exactly the same, but my outlook and my focus were different. Over the next several months, as I grew closer to Christ, I learned to truly forgive my ex-boyfriend, God healed me, and changed me.

I look back at all the pain I experienced and I would not trade it for anything. The life that I have now is so much better than I could have ever imagined. There were so many times that I wished the pain would go away and things would just work out with my ex-boyfriend. But now I recognize that God had an amazing plan that I couldn't see. Everyday I wake up on fire for Christ because He is real in my life. I often heard the phrase "Christ can set you free," but I never understood it until I lived it.

I pray as I live out this journey with Christ that I remember the lesson I learned over four years ago. Christ is my solid rock. Being a Christian is not about going to church or living a good life, but about making a choice to wholly give yourself to Him, then having a relationship with Him, loving Him, obeying Him, and living your life in obedience to Him.

Making a Wise Investment

A couple of weeks ago my husband blogged about investments. He was not talking about monetary investments, but relational and spiritual investments. His words prompted me to think about what I am investing in, and to be honest, I was instantly convicted. After taking a long look at how I spend my time, I'm embarrassed to say that I spent more time on Facebook and Twitter than anything else. Sure, on the surface there is nothing wrong with these sites, but for me, they had become a distraction from investing in better things. So, I'm taking a break. I decided to fast from Facebook and Twitter, and instead focus my time and energy on my relationship with Christ, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with those who have been placed in my life.

I invite you to join me on this journey as I share my thoughts, questions, struggles, and observations. I can't wait to see what God is going to do through this fast.